Indecent Posessive

guys, when i was taking my way to lunch today, i listened to some new song (at least new song for me) one of it was Dewi Lestari’s - Malaikat juga tahu.

here’s the lyric

MALAIKAT JUGA TAHU by Dewi Lestari

Lelahmu jadi lelahku juga

Bahagiamu bahagiaku juga

Berbagi takdir kita selalu

Kecuali tiap kau jatuh hati

Kali ini hampir habis dayaku

Membuktikan padamu ada cinta yang nyata

Setia hadir setiap hari

Tak tega biarkan kau sendiri

Meski seringkali kau malah asyik sendiri

Karena kau tak lihat terkadang malaikat

Tak bersayap tak cemerlang tak rupawan

Namun kasih ini silakan kau adu

Malaikat juga tahu siapa yang jadi juaranya

Hampamu tak kan hilang semalam

Oleh pacar impian

Tetapi kesempatan untukku yang mungkin tak sempurna

Tapi siap untuk diuji

Kupercaya diri

Cintaku yang sejati

Namun tak kau lihat terkadang malaikat

Tak bersayap tak cemerlang tak rupawan

Namun kasih ini silakan kau adu

Malaikat juga tahu siapa yang jadi juaranya

Kau selalu meminta terus kutemani

Engkau selalu bercanda andai wajahku diganti

Relakan ku pergi

Karna tak sanggup sendiri

Namun tak kau lihat terkadang malaikat

Tak bersayap tak cemerlang tak rupawan

Namun kasih ini silakan kau adu

Malaikat juga tahu Aku kan jadi juaranya..

after hearing this song, a lot of thing start to burst and floating in my mind, yeah a lot of thing. but i know one thing for sure, in love we don’t know what going to happen, not in a minute, not in a second, cause we’re no angel, all we can do is pray, and do what we believe it’s best and wait for it reaction and consequences. but the most important is we should and (MUST!) remain wise and big-hearted person.. hehehe.. c ya everyone..

there’s alot of sacrifice needed to win our beloved hearts. yet it the simplest task to do. huhuhu… huaaa… hahahah..

today is the 3rd day of Iedul Fitri, well, there is only 2 day of Iedul Fitri  but, ok let us roll. first of all i’ve been on my couch trying to take a nap and make this fever, cold, and cough go away but im tired of sleeping all day and “spectacularly” do nothing, and whats more is, im on my house… hello? i finally get back here hence IM SICKKK… and please god make me heal faster and let me party (hahahahahaha…) after all the fuss i’ve been brewing for about 2-3 weeks now i had my conclusion, im not gonna waste my time for those who doesn’t pay attention to me, and also WASTE their own time.once i had enough. i had ENOUGH.

recently, or at least i feel recently, some fellow of my friend were taking a distance toward me. really, now they’re grouping and well, just ignore me. i don’t know what i did , evenmore, i even do NOTHING, for the lst few weeks i only focus on my design, deadlines, gym activity, and Lineage II, i even take a less contact with them but not in a bad way, i mean i was working here and god knows what they’ve been thinking bout me.so tired but it’s okay. maybe later om gonna talk with them heart to heart, now let us roll to another topic.

a friend of mine really dont know where to give up. and GIVE IN. i dont get it why i’ve got alot of friend that really like being slapped up in the face and got their heart cutted in two. godknows

well, maybe that’s it for today, since my nose wont stop running with this influenza. goddd… im sick of this…

dot, need a glass of cough syrup and a GOOD NITE long REST.

it’s been two year since the last time i wrote this blog, well, after convincing myself i try to accept that he was now apart from me, how to say this actually… mmm.. let’s imagine SQUARE ONE. how bout that? ok, enough of my love life.

it’s now my DAILY LIFE. well, nothing change so great, my grade keep on the bottom hell, and well the only thing that change is my body, i’ve lost 7 more kilo from 83. now im 75 or 76 was it? all my jeans down to size 30 now. and my room clean as always. yeah, time flies like an arrow, next month i’ll be 21. hmmm… sure. now what keep getting in mind is : friendship, will our friendship be like these day? goofin around. laughing like witch on a full moon. go to the mall and completely just walkin around and round till dusk?

after i achieve my GOAL, everything seem so LIFE. i mean people respect me more, i learnt alot of thing in life. even though i had nobody.i keep on move on. in such a fast track.

well, i hope thing keep going steady like this. and soon i’ll be graduate from college. hmmm… if i look back, my inauguration day seem like yesterday, now im on third year. owh… can’t wait. life is so exciting… yet tiring. but it’s ok.

hehehe. see ya all. im just shocked, really. time flies like an arrow.

cuman sekedar sharing aja, kali ini bahasa indo aja deh. hahaha..

kalo gwe salah maafin gwe ya.

gwe ngga ngerti kenapa gwe bisa suka sama lo.

gwe juga ngga ngerti kenapa gwe sangat cemburu sama lo, padahal gwe tau gwe sape lo?

gwe juga ngga ngerti semkain gwe mau lupain lo. malah makin inget.

gwe emang kayaknya diluar kuat. bisa ngapa2in sendiri. di dalem juga gitu sih. tp bukan berarti karena gwe strong dan reliable lo bisa cuekin gwe kan?

lo tau ga sih. klo waktu lo jauhin gw gwe bete banget. gwe salah apa sampe lo jauhin gwe?

emangnya kurang ya permintaan maaf gwe sama lo? kurang apa lagi? gwe mesti kasih nyawa gwe buat lo biar lo ga cuekin gwe?

lagian kayaknya gwe ga salah apa-apa. kenapa lo jauhin gwe?

asal lo tau ya, semua yang udah gwe lakuin biar lo ga malu temenan sama gwe. mana yang gwe dpt? NOTHING!

gwe juga ngedumel sama lo? karena gwe care.

gwe waktu itu sebel lo ingkarin janji lo kenapa? karena gwe udah keburu seneng bgt bisa jalan ma lo. eh ternyata ga jadi. emang gwe harus selalu tenang disetiap saat?

gwe juga manusia. boleh kan gwe sekali-kali egois?

klo ada sesuatu yang lo mau omongin, atau ga suka sama gwe. semprot gwe depan muka lo. kasih tau apa apa apa. jgn trus gwe taunya dari orang lain. nyesek tau.

gwe masih punya kuping. jelas gwe bakal denger lo. dan satu lg. jangan berpikiran macem2. gwe ga bakal ngapa2in lo kok.

mungkin lo ga sadar gwe kecewa banget. dan mungkin lu ga akan ngerasa care gwe lg yang kayak dulu. tp rasa care gwe ga akan ilang. lo tau? setiap lo pergi dan pulang malem gwe kawatir. gwe selalu miris liat lo pulang malem2.

gwe ga berhak dpt apa2 dr lo. tp gwe masih butuh persahabatan kita. itu aja yang gwe sayangin kenapa lo sekarang berubah.

dan paling begonya lagi. gwe heran bisa care sama lo. dan klo lo mau bilang "ya ga usah care lah sama gwe" ha?

gwe udah coba dan ternyata ga bisa. ok point taken. SEMUA SALAH DI GWE KAN? dan akan selalu begitu.

nigeta bakkari ne? sampai kapan?

mungkin gwe cuman jealous. ya, dan gwe sih berharap jealous gw sampai blog ini selesai. klo berkembang? hmm.. ga tau deh. "dia" bergerak di alam bawah sadar gw sih. dia bisa nolong orang. tp ga meunutup kemungkinan membinasakan.

yeah things happen a lot in these few days.

i always worried bout him, will she treat him well? will she make him happy (i mean FOREVER) but after i knew the truth (yes, she loved him, just don’t know how to show it proportionally.)

then i begun to question myself.

my goal was to make him happy in every single way, yes HIM isn’t it irritating to have somebody you care and love is in the same gender as you? yeah our friendship goes along way. and im afraid if he being hurt by ANYBODY.

now after realize that he was happy. im scared now, will our relationship wither in future? cause now he got a GF and my relationship with my  wanna-be GF is stuck at the moment. im just to afraid to lose him, since he was the only one that understand me (hello, since i dont have any brother he was like a brother to me, even he was a year older, i was the one that act like his older brother. ok cut it. just brother)

my final question is not about him. but about me.

can i really let him go? cause i’ve cared too much. i just afraid.

i still dont know now. but GOD, if you read these blog (hahhaa, sure do.)
give me power to let him go, give me power to free from this sadness and worry state.

and after all, yes i’ve cried last night. cause i know now i have to go since i dont have anything to do to make him happy, he is happy now.

but what about me? do i happy now? i dont know.

isn’t it funny? i tried to desperately help people and act like a hero, but in the end it was myself who needed salvation but scared to ask cause a told myself i am a "HERO"?

GOD, give me somebody to ease this pain, give my world a glitch of light to penetrate the darkness that surround me now. do i ask to much?

see ya guys. im not to well now.

since i had nothing to do today. and somebody canceled meeting with me (yeah, he lost his purse in a very laughable way) i’ve dug up some file in the deepest kilobyte of my hard disk. and i found something interesting. yeah, rie-chan otanjoubi photo’s and videos. (along with lydia’s file and my 19th birthday) after opened up some files, i’ve found a video contain our joyous moment in lydia’s birthday party, the place was NAF NAF Karaoke. and we were singing INGATLAH HARI INI by Project-Pop. it was such a joy back then, since i don’t know (or i maybe know something going on back there but dont care) what exactly happen underneath our friendship with one of my friends. and don’t know why those videos make me weep a little, and i’ve begun questioning myself, what if we were the same today like that video? will somebody found salvation (hello? you know what im talking bout rite?) or maybe will i lose my weight like now? (yeah my goal was to be a perfect fit around him.. not like an O with 1 walking around in some mall) i think truth got a price on it’s own, and you cant always get a happy ending do you?

yeah i think everything changes, including our friendship. it evolves and some reverse. but im happy with me now if you asked me.. he still around me and i’ve got new girl to check out.

i knew i cant get it all but maybe this is the BEST SCENARIO in my life i’ve ever had. and im not COMPLAINING bout it now. yeah. whatever. have a nice day. break a leg.

maybe i just miss that little moment. but memories are suppose to be memories rite?

(Soundtrack on this :big girls don’t cry- Fergie)

Hi anybody!

sekarang orang itu udah mulai going steady sama pasangan nya.. sebut aja si X dengan berbagai macam rules and ethic codes yang berlaku buat mereka berdua.. gua sebagai orang yang "care" (gua ga mau pake kata sayang, karena kesan nya terlalu muluk bagi gua, dan gua ga mau sakit hati lagi) ikut lah seneng dengan progress yang terjadi antara mereka. (ya sekarang siapa sih yang ga seneng orang yang dia take notice seneng <— bull shit).

cuman yang gwe masih bingung, apakah aksi- dan reaksi yang disebabkan kedua belah pihak nya seimbang? gua agak ngasih tanda tanya besar disitu. tapi sebut saja si X itu udah ngasih statement yang bikin perasaan saya campur aduk, dalam skala bingung lebih besar daripada rasa "Good for You" kalau untuk riyuu atau reason yang pertama mungkin karena saya menyimpulkan, kalian masih terlalu dini, kalau secepat itu mengambil keputusan apa ga mubazir? (you are still in the early 20 and yet, you’re decided!) tapi sih melihat ketetapan hati X.. saya jadi sedikit memiliki perasaan yang aneh, i mean IF, just IF something in the future happen, and IF it’s not a good one… apakah dia tidak akan menyesal? gwe melihat dari dua sisi dan coba hanya memprediksi..  gwe menyimpulkan begini mungkin karena ya saya terlalu care sama X. dan sedikit rasa cemburu. ya cemburu. ya i pray the best lah, walau pastinya dalam hati kecil di dalam relung-relung hati gwe yang tergelap pasti ada iblis yang mempunyai kehendak lain.

nah sekarang klo gw introspeksi diri gwe, kayaknya memang gua yang belum bisa menerima kenyataan seperti itu, gwe yang masih bertarung melawan hampanya angin dan kotak trophy berbungkus harapan-harapan konyol dan tidak realistis yang tentu saja membalut paksa beberapa genggam kebencian dan beberapa  bongkah keputusasaan dengan motif yang bertuliskan "why me?" tapi kenapa tisak bisa melihatnya ya? mungkin sudah saatnya saya menerima semuanya… dan tidak berpikir yang muluk-muluk.. yeah i am just and ordinary boy with sensitive heart and fierce tongue.

maybe just maybe, i’ll find another person that suit me. perfect is impossible but please somebody that can treat me with respect and caring. (<— if you’re within the criteria i willingly die for you. NO LIE! )

PS: mungkin kalian tidak tahu kenapa saya begitu takut X akan menyesal. karena saya tidak menceritakan belahan cerita yang satu lg. karena mungkin bila cerita yang sebelah lg meluncur dr mulut saya, saya ga jamin masih begitu kenyataan nya, pasti sudah saya tambahin bumbu, secara gw masih JEALOUS! =P tp ya… well.. life must go on rite?

SEE YA!

lot of thing has happened since the last time i wrote off this damn
blog( hahaha..) my weight been reduced drastically cause my bad eating
habit, and a lot of working out lately (yep 15 kilos hahhaa).. and im
not worry too much for other people sakes, i believe we have our own
destiny (ok we still have part of it but sometimes we cant fight it, so
enjoy it).

now i think evolve to be mature (a little step a time
but for sure!) i can see and notice when i was reminiscent what i’ve
done this far. as far i can tell is :

i can manage my jealousy,
i can control my anger a little bit more than ever,
i can open to my best friend (i know this one took a hell of a time),
i can LET GO (finally hehehe…).
i dont sweat at small think,

i
just keep moving on and keep my believe in, i wont say god has a plan
for me ( i know you do but i wont just take everything out and gobble
it, but i want to classify it first then if mistake happen no one go to
blame.)

i just plain happier, thanks to my friend who gave me
all "advice" (you know, the bitterer the medicine, faster you’ll get
better hehehe..)

thanks for helping me "crack my mask.. it’s been for like 6 years.. and now i can see the world in more nicer view".. hehehe…

now
i can fight my fear, i can fight my way out without my mask, i can see
the path clearer, even i know thorns will always scratch my face and my
body, but i knew now that pain shouldn’t be avoided, just take it make
you say "Ouch" then they will disappear leaving sratch so, one day you
will remember this scratch and not make the same mistake hahaha… ok…

last but not least.

thanks Friends.. for waking me up from numbness..

Cheers, Have a Good Day.

hmmm… pengen belajar eh malah sakit wakakkaa… lama bawah saar gwe napa sih ni. tiap kli mau ulangan padahal ga pernah sakit eh malah yang batuk lah pilek lah ga jelas banget…… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! pengen belajar…… dah ah belajar dulu…. tp ngga tau kenapa tiap dia ada disini gw seneng dan ga jadi sakit (patut dipertanyakan) ya udah deh…… ha ha ha…… pengen jalan3 pengen berlibur…. pengen banyak banget…..

ya udah deh…… hmm… tar aja deh curhatnya lagi ngga mood….. he he he

kimi no soba de… ureshiku omou.. hehehehe….

ya wis……. dengerin lagu CRYSTAL KAY dulu…. asik mampus.

hmmm bosen juga ya hidup di dunia ini hahaha… kadang2 gwe ngerasa kok sepi banget ya jeng… hmmm… temen sih ada banyak… cuman kok soulmate nya kemana gitu yah… yang gw suka udah diambil orang… hahaha…. emang gw respon nya lama kali yah… hmmm… gimana donk yah… harus cari orang lagi nih … cuman gw tertalu suka kebebasan sih jadi gimana…TTM ga mau…. HTS an ogah… jadi gimana donk… hahaha….